i have more fingers on one hand than i have days until i move out of seattle and into portland wowie(!)

i moved to seattle a year ago. it's good it's bad idk. spent basically my entire year here working at a near minimum wage retail job that i guess i more or less enjoyed but it also entirely prevented me from doing damn near anything because i worked from the early afternoon to the late evening, except for on weekends when i worked from the late morning to the late evening which means i missed everything that ever happened with my new irl seattle friends and also with my online friends so ---------

------ i quit my job last week. just to give myself some time to pack (which i'm starting for real TODAY i swear) and also to, ya know, breathe for a second. and on one of my first few days of genuine unemployed freedom, i got to hop in a lil games session on discord with some newgrounds folks for the first time in... well... about a year. and ya know what i realized?

/?/./?/ i had (have) become entirely isolated from every community i have ever cared about. i was in this group call and while it was fun and cool i couldn't help but feel like i didn't know these people anymore. and that they didn't know me anymore. and i couldn't keep up with conversations because i myself had totally lost touch with what draws that community together. someone had brought up the most recent frontpage news post from tom. they'd seen it. i hadn't. which is of course my fault but like imagine telling the version of myself 2 years younger that they wouldn't know anything about what the newest frontpage ng newspost said. they'd shit your pants. and yet here we are, i didn't know it. itsreddqueen brought up the ng tarot card collab. that's one of the absolute coolest things i've ever seen and i would have loved so much to have been a part of it that is so absolutely up my alley and yet........ didn't even know about it because i'm just not connected to newgrounds at all anymore and fffffrrankly i'm devastated about it. where does the blame fall? me for just being incompetent and lazy and antisocial and not doing anything to maintain relationships? capitalism for requiring me to work shit ass jobs that make me work garbage hours to be able to eat? depression for making it damn near impossible to do things that normal people would consider trivial? all of the above? something else? idk it sucks and i hate it and i wish i could say that it's going to change but lol

i do have one really cool and neat and good counter example tho. littlbox and bitbeak and i talk about the music we have been listening to at the beginning of every month, and in the last monthly session littlbox brought up his ghost project and said he wanted me to do the music. i didn't really give a solid answer at first. then the next day he sent a draft version of it and asked again if i'd do it. i said i couldn't imagine why on the gods' green earth anyone would ask me to make music for something (for anything). he said my sound would fit. i said he could do """"my sound"""" better than i could, even the placeholder music was prolly better than anything i could come up with. and then he said this:

"It's just a goofy project that I want to have fun making with you and Andrew."

and that's beautiful. it's so beautifuuuuuuuuuuul

because it means that even if i've lost touch with everyone and everything, at least i still have my best buddy littlbox

(ᴗ ͜ʖ ᴗ)

i'm honored to have been included. very cool. very neat. pretty good.

so i'm movin here in a few days. new house is gonna have like a proper music makin station. my roommate (true chosen family) is a real big dance music nerd. we had talked about makin music together before i moved in. we never did. which was one of my biggest regrets upon reflecting on my time in seattle. UNTIL RECENTLY THAT IS we finally sat down and gave it a shot because we were drunk and it sounded like a good time and it was and the goal is to do more of that moving forward. i'm real excited about it. got some like techno and techno adjacent stuff in the works. maybe we'll post it. maybe we won't. idk at this point its not about the end product because the real techno was the bleeps and bloops we made along the way.

i'm gonna do this cool and fun thing where i try to see how long i can go not having a job. i'm goin back to school in the fall so CAN I MAKE IT THROUGH THE SUMMER WITH NO JOB?!?!?!?! who knows we'll see i wanna be creative again and i wanna have fun again and i wanna have friends again and i wanna be a part of the newgrounds community again so wish me good fortunes and access to high quality nutritious meals

ok idk i think i wanted to say some more stuff or something but idk so

uh yeah that's it that's my latest depression post. you did it! congratulations! ok

oh boy here i go packin