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Gage Goodell @GoodL

Age 23

figuring it out

Concordia University, Montreal

Seattle

Joined on 8/18/15

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sadposting

Posted by GoodL - June 2nd, 2021


Hey all. This post is pretty much just some venting, nothing really interesting or exciting going on in here, but I guess in a way I feel like my NG newsposts are a sort of interesting way for me to reflect over some parts of my life, and recent events seem eventful enough to be written here. I don't want to get into too much personal detail so some things might be a little vague to anyone reading this that isn't my future self. Sorry and cheers to anyone who does actually read this. I could certainly use the emotional support.


To set the stage a bit, about a month ago I left my job as a video editor at a local tv news station to go all in on freelancing. That has been a really neat and rewarding experience, for the most part. I've worked with video content creators both corporate and independent making everything from celebrity gossip type videos to media criticism video essays. I've also edited for a couple of different podcasts based all over the US ranging from slice of life stuff to a mental health-centric podcast hosted by a yogic therapist. It's been interesting to say the least, and has offered a much better work-life balance than I was getting out of my 40-hour-per-week job that just ate away at my life and well-being. That said, there were certain comforts offered by my full-time gig that I'm not getting now as a freelancer. Namely, health insurance. Also some semblance of normalcy in my day-to-day. I think it's fair to say that I thrive in this kind of pace, but there's also something to be said about the fact that I never really know what I'm going to be doing on any given day.


As an additional point of context before the main point of this post begins, I also recently stopped going to therapy. I had told my therapist that it felt as though we had hit a natural stopping point, and he agreed. It seemed like things were really going well and even looking up for me! Spoilers, this all goes to shit pretty quick.


I wanna say... 3 weeks ago? Or so. Everything that I thought I knew about what my life was and was going to be came crashing down. This is the part where I don't really want to get into the details, but the main take away is that I have become the BIG SAD. I'm not really sleeping anymore, and when I do it is very sporadic, highly unreliable, and absolutely restless. I've slept so little in these last few weeks that I've actually noticed I'm starting to have mild hallucinations. One day a few years ago I embarked on a 26-hour-straight drive from Illinois to Idaho all in one go, stopping only for bathroom breaks and gas, and I'm finding this to be a lot like the last few hours of that drive, albeit a tad milder. I'm noticing non-existent movement out of the corners of my eyes, I'm considerably more jumpy and easily startled than normal, and my brain is foggier than a vape shop. On top of the lack of sleep, I'm also not eating. Really at all. I can't recall the last time that I had a proper meal, I know a few days ago I poured a can of white beans, a can of corn, and a can of olives into a bowl and ate that with a spoon... maybe that was like a week or two ago... I'm honestly not even sure. I've eaten a fair amount of trail mix I guess? Idk the point is my nutritional ethics have declined immensely and I don't think that's helping the negative side effects of not sleeping. 


When my life plans were all very unexpectedly dissolved, I came to the realization that I no longer had any reason to stay in Idaho. I grew up here, I moved back here after college because reasons, and I hate it here. So I reached out to an old friend of mine. We met in high school, he was the president of the debate team in my first year, and after he graduated I followed very closely in his footsteps. He went to a college in Wisconsin, and every time he came back for breaks we would hang out. He came to visit me when I was living in Montreal too, we went to the music festival Osheaga together. Before a few weeks ago, we hadn't spoken in a little over a year, but the kind of friendship we have is one in which it doesn't matter how long it has actually been, it always feels like no time had passed at all. So I was not really surprised when I hit him with a "hey, wanna move in together?" and he responded "yes". He's been living in Seattle for a few years now, so... that's where I'm headed. Had he said no, my plan was to throw a dart at a map and just see where it takes me. Given the amount of anxiety I'm feeling now over this, I guess it's good that he said yes. I'll be moving in 2 weeks, and frankly, I'm terrified. This ain't like when I moved to Montreal at all. Back then I was excited to leave. I had big plans. World was my oyster, whatever. This feels more like an act of desperation, and a costly one at that. Making the arrangements, I'm watching my savings dwindle to virtually nothing and it makes my very soul feel sick. 


@VoicesByCorey , I'm sorry, I'm not coming to Boise :(


So, is there an upside? Yeah, I mean, there are probably a few. The job prospects are much better for me out there. I've started applying to a few positions, and nothing is set in stone yet, but I feel pretty good about the fact that I'll be looking at making $17/hour doing literally anything, compared to the $10/hour I was making for the very stressful work I was doing at my old job. I think it'll be a much better environment for me. I've known for a long time that I prefer bigger cities over small towns, so I guess in a sense I'm looking forward to that change of pace again. It's also a chance to sort of reinvent myself, again. Maybe actually finally address some of the things I'm not so fond of in myself. We'll see. 


What's that? Oh, you're a huge fan of my work and want to know what the future of my creative output looks like? Well, there's some stuff going on there too. Some fun music stuff eventually, another game with my good buddy @GallowJolt eventually, maybe some more videos just-for-fun like I said I'd be doing but only did once since leaving my job? We'll see once the dust settles. I can't make any promises about anything right now, for the aforementioned reason of not having any clue what my life looks like a few weeks down the line. 


Idk that's it I guess. I've had some pretty low lows in my life, but I actually think this is the hardest time I've ever been through. And fwiw I don't know what I expect anyone to say to that, if anything at all. I guess it'd be neat if someone said some words of encouragement, or something. Or told me to shut up or whatever idk I just want to feel less alone. That'd be cool. Alright well. Thanks, bye. 


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Edit: I also sold my drum kit rest in peas :(


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Comments (7)

I'm sad you're not coming to Boise, GoodL! However, if it's because you're going to Seattle to try and get out of the Big Sad, I'm happy for you man.

These funks that we tend to find ourselves in are always a pain in the ass. Life likes to hit us at the worst time and keep pounding us into oblivion. One of the best things I've done to combat that, in my eyes, is to focus on any positive. Even if the positive is something small and insignificant, focusing on the positive, instead of the negative, will always feel better and keep you in brighter spirits. I know it's a very optimistic approach, and can be hard to maintain at times, but having that mindset is healthier then letting the negatives weigh you down, you know? Focusing on one positive thing daily, even if it's a youtube video of guy getting kicked in the nuts, will be more beneficial then letting the negatives dictate your day. Kinda my two cents to fight the Big Sad :)

I hope your new adventure in Seattle is very beneficial GoodL. We all deserve happiness my friend, I hope you find it there! Whenever you're in Boise, YOU BETTER HIT ME UP DAMMIT! :D

Ayy I appreciate the encouragement and the support. I guess in a sense I'm hesitant to even try to be optimistic in the face of negativity because I worry that being let down will be worse then, if that makes sense. But I do think you're right in a way too, because obviously just moping ain't doin me much good.

Thanks for the well-wishes and I'll get a chance to catch up with you irl eventually, I swear on me mum's.

Hey man, I usually don't have the best words for things like sadness. In a personal perspective I have been through some low lows in my life, moving away from places that don't serve you and/or drain your energy is a really good start. Close friends are even better. I know we only chat every so often but I am around if you want to vent or just shoot the shit and not have to think of the sad stuff. Hopefully you get to where you need to be sooner than later mentally. Take it easy man.

Thank you so much, and I totally relate. I'm often totally at a loss for meaningful words when people come to me with hardships, so I really don't blame you. I appreciate the extended hand and I'd definitely love to keep in touch. Hopefully you'll understand if I'm really preoccupied over the next few weeks tho.

If your toes were in my eyesight right now they would be thoroughly sucked on and wet! I really really hope you can adjust, and maybe that friend your gonna move in with could help monitor your sleep and eating so you don't devolve into an aimless amoeba, jelly-type critter, or grandma-esc person. It pains my puffy purple robo-heart to see this bearded darling in such distress, I would give anything to give you big smelly hugs (In which I air out my greasy pits). hang in there fella! I really want to see you succeed and find a life plentiful with commendable creams, and lacking in sloppy sludge. Much love from the sewers!
-Stuffling

This POST smells like STINKY and it fills my little broken heart with joy. Thank you, you little stuffed stuffling. Thank you for keeping me in your prayers to the Slime God. I'd like to think that amoeba is my true form tho, and I shall soon embrace it.

Sounds like some first world problems to me. But there's a reason I don't discuss my troubles, they are somewhere like... uh... sixth-world-tier. Still, it's good that you have a plan & are at least trying and able to do something about the situation.

Thanks for actually being the one to tell me to shut up, as I deserve. Not being sarcastic at all either, you're absolutely right that my so-called suffering is still bougie as hell, and I'd do well to keep that in mind. Sixth-world tho? That's Saturn and that means you're in SPACE baby.

Take care of yourself man, hope shit starts getting better soon

@GoodL no problem, get yourself settled and we can catch up later on. Take care man

@GoodL Naw, i'm like six levels in the ground in brokeness, troubles, and oofs. x.x
But yeah bruh, uh... keep hangin on. lol